almondeye7's Diaryland Diary

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April fools bring May moods

Why do they call it "April Foools"? It seems I am the fool.

Okay so bad me. bad, bad, BAD. Shame on me for not writing in my own diary for so long that it would take way to much thinking and time for me to write my expriences during the last few months, yet so much has changed.

" One day, getting out of a taxie my heart fell out of my backpack and in to a puddle, so my chest was empty,-But I felt Okay, I guess. So I picked up the pieces and walked away in to now where and everywhere, at the same time. "

Chris and I had a very "real" moment. Quietly the truth snuck up on me. Chris isn't happy. He told me so. He said that he feels like he's been pushed to into something that he wasn't ready for. I just don't know what to do. He says that he dosn't want to break up, he wants to work on it. But I think he's running out of breathing room. I've never been in a situation like this, Where I couldn't figer out what I was going to do, what direction to take, where to start. I just know where I want to finish, First. But instead I'm sitting here uemployed, (again) My relationship hanging by a thread, and I'm completly in the dark about life. Maybe I should just stop confronting it and let it come. Dread. That feeling. The worst feeling. The one where I know that life is spinning around me to fast and that I'm being left behind, To vanish. The one where I lose my nerve and destoy all those around me by being stupid and clumsey with my thoughts and actions. Like the same dream I've had since I was to young to recall. The one where I'm being blasted and hassled, I'm being blamed for not being good enough. My hair is white, my dress is stained with mud. Black mud. I try and try so hard to clean it off, but the more I rub the worse it gets, then my whole dress is black and my nails are caked. And I'm feeling like I just should give up and let the stain soak in, Then I see that I'm alone. and all around me there are little shards of glass. and inside the refection of each shard theres a a little thought whispering out at me, "The fight is long and hard it says."

Then it ends with me still trying to rub the stain off.

Chris and I will make it through. I know him better now. I know that he needs time. And in time if he choses me ( Should I be so lucky), then I am no longer the fool. I know more about what he fears and belives. Every realtionship reaches a point where it must be tested. Its very simple really he needs time to think about his life. To find himself. I just hope he finds his way back to me. It's not bad we are just being tested at every corner. Money is a big thing. Where it's going where it's coming from, who pays...Ah, but the big question is, who's responsable. And maybe it's been me and my problem all along that I don't want to be the one. The one that dose it all. I tried that and all it did was destroy me, my kid and everyone connected with me. That role is finished with me I won't play it anymore.

I think that I am less understanding then I scould be of Chris and how he feels. After all, I didn't decide to have Miranda and become a single mom an have to stuggle along. I had to cope. I had to grow to understand it and to love it and embrace it. The ups and downs of life. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic. Thats how I feel.

Maybe it's because I didn't have a choice thats I've become blind to the fact that others do. All I do know is that Chris and I do love each other very much and I'm not ready to throw in the towel. And I know he's not going to give up yet either. wich is a good thing.

I've decided to go to school. At least look into it and try to find a way to make it work. I think I'm interested in becoming a phamacey tech. I have an meeting with someone from Bryman tomorrow. I'm so tired of being stuck in a rut. I want a good job. A job I can do, and feel good about and not be hassled ar made to look stupid. I want to earn good money always. Why didn't I figer out all this before?

Whats funny is now that I have been keeping a diary for all this time I can see how much I've learned, how different I am now, how my thoughts have changed. But why am I still fighting with myself? Like I can feel all the power draining from me. All my hopes and dreams being swept away with out anyway for me to pull them back in. All of a sudden it's real clear to me that I have very little control over my life. And that scares me. I thought I knew myself, Maybe I only know a part. I thought I was heading in the right direction. Maybe I took a wrong turn, but can I still find my path? I wonder. Can Chris find his? I have to laugh at myself more often. I have to give myself a break. I've been trying to hard. How could I have been so stupid? All this time I'm looking at me, me , me. What about him? Why was I so stupid to forget the best part of me? I got to confortable. I got to lazy. So now we both have work to do. But hey, no one said it was easy. I'll be just like the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can, I....Jeasus, when did I fall off the track? Oh well, I'll just get back up and keep chugging a long.

~Angela~

12:52 p.m. - Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2003

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