almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Perfect Sence Why am I so perfect in my mind, but then I sort of see myself and the way I am and I'm not so perfect. I'm not even close to where I want to be, Hell, I'm still tryng to live up to that person I created for myself years ago. I thought: I will win the heart of my father. I will be the BEST mother, never "loseing it" I will never compromise my beliefs. But I find that more and more as I grow and look upon the harsh realaties of life and 'the way things are' I find that in order to 'fit' I have to compromise my beliefs, my feelings, and who I am. Example: My daughters school for one. The teacher dose little to help me, nor dose she care much for my girl. That disturbs me. That this teacher is so wraped up in the "can't rock the public school system's boat" theary that I dought she dose little in the way of nurtureing her students. Students they are, Yes. But these are 5 year olds. Not 15. 5. I feel that Miranda is expected to do alot at school. Some of it she may not be mature enough for yet. Some of it maybe all she needs is a hug, or a pat on the back by her teacher. Miranda respons to affection with encoragement alot better to verbal instuctions that, from what I gather are lengthy and and a little unfair. The teacher won't remind the students to put on thier jackets if it's cold outside. She says that the students must learn to be 'independent'. I agree to a point. Sometimes Miranda dosn't even know she has a jacket in her bag. I feel that the teacher should do her part as a teacher, nurturer, and I'm assuming mother. Last week she let miranda run around outside with a thick sweater on when it was 80 degrees outside. When I asked the reason why she let my kid run around with it on all day, She said flatly...."She needed help with the buttons and (we) meaning the teachers are not able to touch the children in that region of the body." (meaning the chest area.) I was floored! I can't belive that the teacher is so wraped up in the'system' and the stupid government 'politics' that she won't give ANY of the kids affection or nurtureing. No wonder Miranda is doing so poorly. I bet that big school is pretty scary to her. I bet she feels lonely and lost in the crowd. Even I know at this age a kid still needs those hugs and they should know that the teacher IS nurturing and loving and caring. But I have quickly learned that thats just the way it is now. I can't even fight this one. And sometimes I feel so confused about what is right and what I should do. Whats best? It looks like unless I get really rich really fast, and can send her to a private school I'm just shit out of luck. I guess from now on my beliefs don't matter, What tells me in my gut that something just isn't right is being forced to compromise. And not just comprmise but I'm being made to just 'accept it' And what if I can't. What do I do when I know I'm just fighting a loseing battle? Now I'm beginning to realize just how important being a parent is, How hopeless it seems at times, How unfair, How self sacrificing it is. And unfortantly, Now I'm finding that in the all and all even when I KNOW the right thing to do...I am being prevented by the exact system that gives me the freedom to make my own parenting choices. I want to raise my child. I don't want the government doing it. But thats what reality is now. Rules. Rules. Here let me drag the chains for you, Let me tie your wrists together. let me make you blind. Let me make you deaf. Let me make you centered around OUR way. Our way or the highway. I HATE our lying, cheating bloody government and it's fucking hyprocritcal way. If this was 1969...I'd be a ranting raveing politcal hippie. Give peace a chance? How about giving parents the chance to raise thier kids without interference from over-bearing governmental polices? 5:21 p.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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