almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a Bitch.... oh fucking well. Christ what is wrong with me! I feel like I'm all ass backwards. Yesterday I waited an hour and a half for a cab at Safeway. Granted it was not the drivers fault but I tore into him anyway. I preceded to call this man evey name in the book. I swore, I screamed, I demanded ( and got a free ride). Why did I do this? God lately my patience is zilch. But come on! An hour an a half!! Still I feel bad I tore into the stupid cabbie. I don't know whats wrong with me... Fuck! Maybe it has to do with Mirandas Graduation, Maybe it has to do with my lame ass job. maybe it has do do with the fact that I'm still kinda wierded out on the account of Chris. Fuck I dont know how I feel anymore! I don't know if I'm in love with him or in lust with him or what! Geezzz I'm 26 years old and I don't know how I'm feeling! I feel like I've already fucked all up! What if I have? It's to late to take back all that I've said to him! What if I've said to much? What if he dosnt feel the same way about me! He has said that he dose but in what depth? I just want everything to be perfect. This time...just once I'd like to have something this perfect to go right. My impatience is out in full force again. I have no idea how to handle myself and these feelings. I'm just fucking crazy! Stupid. Okay...Breath....I have to remember to breath when I'm with him. It's overwelming and I love the feeling of getting drunk on his kisses. He spins me like no other. I cant wait to see him tonight! Okay I've had a amoke, *I should really, really try to quit* Anyway I've gathered my thoughts and so heres whats REALLY bothering me...It's like a pin wheel spinning and spinning...My Sister is really scaring me. She left home weeks ago to shack up with this guy that is so wrong for her. She's 19 and thanx to our bloodline I know she's stuborn. Anyway the "the missing link" is in and out of rehab...nither one has a job and MY sister, My LITTLE sister is fucking up her life and there is nothing I can do about it! NOTHING! My Mom is all stressed out about it and she bitches to me all the time about it. What can I do? After all when I was Danielle's age...I was already a married women. I guess shes going to have to take her hard knocks... Okay about my Dad. Another reson I'm so pissed...Here it is just after fathers day and I havent talked to my dad for more than 5 min over the last 5 months...His job has always taken him away...Funny as I've gotten older I'm closer to my Mom but my dad still makes me feel 12...Stupid! My whole life I've been trying to make him proud of me...For what? I'll never be good enough in his eyes...I guess I've known that for a long time. My daughter and I are both fatherless children...And one day I know she'll grow to be just like me...an adult driving herself to perfection all to disapoint her absent so called father... And then theres this Job... this fucking lame ass, boring fucking job! God! challenge me! I sit here day after day calling people who dont know me, don't respect what I do and don't belive that I'm worthy enough to do it! Fuck! I need a new line of work! I'm just burnt out! What I'd REALLY like to be doing is photography. But as any idiot knows I'd be a poor photographer. The only way to break into that is to know people...I'd like to go to school. I'd like to stay home and write a book! I'd like to be a rock star! Whatever! Reality. I'm a High class telemarketer with an eye to sell. I wont get rich doing this either. Money is not that important its just I dont look forward to comming in anymore...the great "Job" has lost it's spark. I'm sooo sick of public transportaion! I'm sick of waiting for busses, digging out change, wasting half my life on the bart train! calling cabs! Waiting for the damn thing...(for and hour and a half!! ACK!) I'm tired of standing up on the Bart after working my Ass off all day because there are no seats. I'm sick of dragging my kid around all day just to catch a bus! I sick of not being independent! Of having to rely on an unrelable mode of transport! I need a car. But wait! Let us recount the steps on the road to the ever Godly Car! First I need to pay a grand to the fucking courts to get my licence back. Stupid cops! then I need to have another 5 grand to go down to the dealership and have them finance...I will not, I will not, I will, not get a car worth less then the tank of gas that I will have to pump into it,to make it run just so that it will brake down and further piss me off! and lets not forget another grand for inssurence and other DMV Bullshit! I'm so SICK of people saying in a little girl singsong voice..." Gee you make decent money, why dont you just go out and buy a car?" Yah-Fucking- right! Those people should shut thier God damned hole untill thet live MY life Make MY money and pay MY bills! Fuck Them All! Okay now that I've vented I feel lots better and suddenly ripping into that cabbie is forgivable to me. As for chris...He really IS a great thing in my life...Maybe I'll keep him around...*giggle* Who knows maybe love is supposed to make someone all ass backwards for a little while. I'm sure glad I see him tonight...I could use a hug and a little TLC. After all tonight I sleep in the arms of an angel...(sigh) * Angela * 7:29 a.m. - 2002-06-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||