almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fatherless Child Yesterday I learned that my father was brifely home after working out of town...He leaves agian today...I was told yesterday that Dad didnt want to talk to me. I'm sad. And angry. Since I was 14 all I've been trying to do is please the all Godly father figer. I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I was never close to my father and my efforts to have a relationship with him have been stonewalled. Why? What more do I have to do to have a dad? Havent I proved myself to him? I'm losing my grandfather...And I along with my daughter I'm a fatherless child. My whole life I'll never know what damage my ex husband did to Miranda by leaving her before she was born....Dose having a father that is distant better than not having a father at all? I have stuggled with this for so long. Although this aspect of my life dosnt control me somtimes, I wonder if the distance between my Dad and I has something to do with the fact that I'm not his. I never thought of it that way though. As an adult looking back on my childhood I remember a dad that was strict and stong. I was always intimidated by him. I cannot deny that he made me into who I am, a strong women. I'd like to tell him all that is inside of me....I'd like to scream at him for leaving me so much as a child...I know his job took him away...I 'd like to Scream at him for never being there for me even though he was home. I'd like to scream at him for never saying he was proud of me. I'm proud of me. He didnt even give me away at my first wedding....nor did he attend my high school graduation, nor is he really involed in my life or my daughters life. I dont know how to handle this. It's only natrual that I would want to please my parents...I just want my dad to tell me he's proud of me and that he loves me. but I relize now that it wont happen. None of this had never bothered me so much before just a few weeks ago. Maybe it has something to do with Grandpa on his deathbed. I dont know. My father used to own me. Not now. I used to sit under his tumb and wait for him to tell me to jump. Not anymore. I used to make up stories as a child just so he would turn around and pay attention. I used to cry myself to sleep wondering if I had done something wrong when he wouldnt talk to me. No more. As the years have rolled by I have accepted that I would never be close to Dad. Some days it just hurts more than others. And most days I dont even think about it. But sometimes I lay awake and think back on my childhood and no matter what childish pranks I pulled I dont think it justifies the punishment I continue to endure. So now Dad is gone again off on business, (Oh yes daddy, provide for your famiely) and it will be months before I am able to see him again. So what? *Angela* 8:25 a.m. - 2002-07-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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