almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love aches and pains ~Lost~ I could lose myself in you if I let my mind wonder to wrap myself around you and feel the drum of lovers thunder But what dose that matter? I could catch my breath and melt into your eyes shamelessly seemlessly to find my soul there and love you endlessly But what dose that matter? I would lie against your chest and cry and cry and why? to give my sorrow a chance to die. But what dose that matter? I Heart you I Love you I Heart you I love you I Heart you But what dose that matter? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm just so fucking stupid. I find a great man and I blow it. I'm nerotic I'm mean. I'm dificult. I took him for granted is what I did. I pushed him away. I did this beacuse I find a great man who takes care of me and I freak out. *Stupid* and all the time I'm wondering " Do I deserve a man this great?" Something must be wrong...so I push and I push and I push and I *Lose* Why do I do this. I make myself crazy. I give cookies to the man who will put up with all my overdramtic, over bagaged,tick tock shit. And pick up my pieces when I'm to stupid to look at whats in front of me. And I had him and he was so beautiful and so right and so wonderful....I guess I'm this way because I don't know what love is. Oh I thought I did. I thought I did. At 28 and all the rounds I've made around the block I should. I just don't get men. I don't understand them. I guess love to me is about that old fairytale Where the prince says "I'll love you no matter what" " I will never walk out on you" " I will never disown you" " I am.... for always... Why am I so lame? My whole life has been this way, A rollercoaster. Now, I love rollercoasters, but I wish mine would stop for just a nano second. I took him for granted. I got lazy, I got confortable, I got bored of myself. I got numb. I want to turn back time to when it all started....it would start with my father I guess. Whom I never have been able to really talk to. I mean my whole adult life I've had maybe a 45 min conversation with him. I need to let my dad know how he made me feel about men and myself. He taught me that love leaves.
and my daugher will tragicly know the same. I can't stop it. It has already begain. She is numb. My baby girl is numb. And I feel like am incomplete mom with out a dad in the picture. Even in the womb she was numb. I gave her the heartache the anger, the harsh life lessons at the breast. I need to heal this wound in her befor it's to late I could have at it all. I could have saved this realtionship. I could have let myself go completely. But if I did that could I trust myself? I going to see a shrink about this feeling I have that I'm just not quite right. I need to know why I hurt so bad. I need to dig in deep. Real deep. I need to make myself tick. I want to scratch my fingernails on a chalk bord and just scream. And cry. My heart is heavy. I dont even have the mental strenth to write about what went wrong right now. I'm just a big fuck up. damn it.
9:52 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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