almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Letter to Jerry Day 1 Since Jerry is in Korea, and I would rather write to him, I am now writing my diary entries to him...although it has been a long while since I have wote in this diary, I am now resuming but not where I left off. Too much has happened and old loves have left and others have come...but I know who My Jerry is, and what he means to me...no one else needs to know anything except that I have been looking for him for a long time. We made love for the first time 13 years ago. and my 16 year old heart could have never known...Anyway there is so much to say about Jeremy and me....maybe this will sum it up... Our Story 13 years ago he stole my heart, we looked into each others eyes, and swore we would never part. But altas, the service called his name, and from then on our hearts, ......were never the same Time moved forward, and life rolled bye, We forged ahead with new loves, Thinking we had said our last goodbye. Over the years I dreamed of my lost love, and I never forgot his place in my heart, I prayed for him over and over to the lord above. And just when I thought that true love dies, I looked into the heavens and I made an honest wish.... And then there he was, an angel before my very eyes. Well for us,it is said that time stands still, like a clock that beats to the songs of love, who would have imagined how we would feel. like a river damn and bottled tears, once again love rushed through us, ....and took away all our fears Now my Soldier and I are bound together, married with a promise and the true devotion of love ever after. Our hears beat endlessly, and eternally ....like rolling thunder.
Hi Baby,
I know that I had alot to say...Part of it was the rum and coke I was drinking...Part of it was that I just wanted you to know what my biggest fear was.
I'm not afraid anymore.
You are an angel, I Love you. You make my heart smile baby,
I've decided that instead of writing in my online diary I will write to you, So now you will know not only what I what to tell you but of all the things I tell myself. This is because I want you to know the real me, even my little deamons ( and I have a few). I want you to know my humor and my ramblings, and my thoughts on life. So here it is...
Sunday Aug 29th 2004
last night all I did was drink and cry...I do that sometimes. And when I do, I start thinking about what I can do beter in my life. Where I've gone wrong in the past. Sometimes I think to much, feel to deeply....I guess that will never change with me...it's only when I have thought so much and felt so deeply on something that I can strip myself to the core. There are little things that I do for myself each day to remind me of who I am. Maybe I write little or paint. Maybe I meditate. And I have so many fears about myself...What if I fail? Then I ask myself who would I fail...and it's me. When I was in class my instructor would tell me I was way to hard on myself. I've heard that from so many people. I often wonder if my life would be any better if I just stoped fighting with it. Stop fighting. Ummmm....No. thats not me. here are some little truths about me.
I've lied to everyone that I've ever known about something ( even you jerry) I'm a thief sometimes and I like to steal. I'm selfish. I would never say no to someone who needed me. I belive in the unknown I belive in myself and sometimes no one else. Sometimes I resent my daughter. I'm a good friend to good people. I trust people always to the the core, even if I get hurt in the end. I feel an overwelming need to fight other peoples fights. I'm afraid of the dark I'm afraid of being alone I'm afraid of myself sometimes. I am a more loving mother than my mother was to me I don't have very many friends. sometimes I push people away just to see if they will come back to me. I'm so much differnet with myself when I'm alone with myself.
What are your truths Jerry?
I've learned that you must love yourself completly to admit the worst things about yourself to other people. But to admit them to yourself takes balls. For it's only when humans admit something to themselves that they are able to accept or change it. I accept myself with the knowlege that every victory and every fault makes up who I am in the end. The core of who I am lays only with me. life is only that is witch you make it and life comes with no bargins. there is a fine margine with walking in the lines or steping out of the box. I chose to step out of the box and read myself like a book. and then I throw my book and other people. I find that not to many people can take it. Like a child that teases the new kid, I'm always pushing it. And I love it when I get through to someone else about what it is that we are all doing here.
Trying to get to the other side.
I write because it tends to slow down the thoughts running through my head. and it tends to make the reader slow down their thoughts. it's like an orgasim. like . Wow. did she really say that? And when I nod and say yes, they smile and nod back with the understanding that I have given them something to think about. that is the greatest gift that I can give someone. A new prepective.
Jerry one day I'm going to write a book and it will be the greatest work in all human history. LOL well maybe not the greatest but people will want to know my thoughts. people will hear me. anyway so there are my thought about life for one day...I love you. I love that your with me even now, I read your email before I went to sleep and took you with me. The days are counting down...the sun rises another day there and sets another day here. Just know that we are looking up at the same stars at night...and the same moon and feeling the same sun on our backs. Have a good day darling.....and smile...smile like you've never smiled. for you are loved.
Angela.
3:10 p.m. - Sunday, Aug. 29, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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