almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last letter to My Jerry...Good Byes, and Scars Okay...It's been a few days and I stil am having a hard time comming out with the words that would tell the story...I mean after all isnt that what a diary is? A story to oneself? A book of memories...chapters and pages of tears and humor and wonderings? I mean..I can look back when I'm an old lady and say..Hey I felt this way..or hey these things happened in my life. Sometimes when something big has happened in my life..it takes a few days for it to sink in. Even if I am a good writer...it still takes many hours of thinking as to how to put it into words. Sometimes a persons heart will suddenly start going 150 mph..and then hit a brick wall or a speed bump..and the trick is finding a way to hang on when you get thrown. Boy have I gotten thrown. The old saying is, "If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, then it was ment to be" I let My Jerry Go. And I dont think he's comming back. If he dose..I may not be around. Maybe I wouldnt want to. You know, throughout the years, alot of men have stolen little pieces of my heart, Jerry had a big part of my heart, I've taken that part back. I had to. I've found out that Jerry is not well, his head is spun and and who would blame him for being crazy? I guess the Army has seen to it that he is damaged and broken. I guess all the the things that he has been through has broke him too. The diffence between he and I is I am strong enough to clear the road and keep on riding. I guess I could never be with a man that I knew could lie to me so freely. And I am so heartbroken, because no matter what happens in my life now, I can never have him again. Maybe all I wanted in the first place was the slices of memories that we share, maybe I wanted to rewind time and hold it still, like we used to. When Jerry came back into my life..I was beside myself...I couldnt even think...I was so happy. And if he was able to stay commited to one women, well maybe I would take him flaws faults and all. But as men tend to do when they are lonely and lost he strayed. And he lied. And he continues to lie. I will never be able to fully trust him. And my heart is broke, and my soul is just a little more bitter and to belive in magic and fairy tales is getting harder and harder. And he will never know how much I love him. Even after he betrayed me, I cannot help but to love him, you see, He was my first love, and there is something so innocent about that, Something true, for when I think back on it, those were the best times of my life, for I wasnt bitter, I wasnt spoiled. I had the whole world in front of me, and I was full of life and wonderment, I thrived with my friends and rushed into love with out thinking..And it was great. I had never been freer. And my heart was full and drunk of this beautiful man. Why did I love him so? Why dose my heart ache for him even now? And I why do I so much want to turn back time and tell him at age 20 that I cannot live my life without him in it? Because 13 years has took it's toll and he is no longer "My" Jerry. He is another man, and I am another women. I want to ask..."oh Jeremy, where have you gone?" Where are you? I am stong enough to be able to let go. Let go of him, I will never let go of the shadows that played in the dark, of the piggy back rides, of the kisses of the promises, and of the nights that we swore undying love to each other, Of the night that he took his knife and cut us both on the chest as we made love and with tears streaming down his cheeks and the moon glisting on them like stars he put his chest against mine and swore that the blood would make us one..... I will never forget the sound of our laughter, or the salty taste of his tears. And now I tell my 16 year old heart to "forget it kid" And now I wash my hands of the whole lot, I'd like to say- "Jerry I've cried my last tear for you" but I havent. A womens heart is a deep ocean of tears and secrets and longing. Below is the last letter I wote to My Jerry. P.S. You just hung up on me....I wish you wouldnt have done that...I wanted to give you a chance to tell me the whole story...I still do..I want you to tell me the truth...I deserve that...if not for all those stolen nights and those promises...so long ago..tell me...whats going on...here is side 1...
Well just in case you dont call....I wanted to let you know something...days ago I get an IM from a gal that says she knows you....So I tell her to take a hike...LOL Then....She sends me an email that states that I should contact her cause she was gonna be your wife...Ummm...I say...So being the cocky smart allec I am I wote her an email with some questions to answer...some half truths...some real facts and then some out and out lies...Just so I could prove her wrong..and shut her up so she would leave me alone...well she sent that email back..with the right answers...well I was floored. So I put her back on my buddy list..so she puts me in contact with a darling women...I mean we spent 3 hours on the pc...! ( Now can you belive ME on the pc with a total stranger for 3 hours!) Shesh well I guess by now your wondering who..However I expect you should know...I mean she's just such a darling..she really is.
Yes Annalisa Tyler (casey) and Joanne Robinson ( Jo) had a lovely chat...So did your mother and I...I never new your mom had...such a lovely name...Michaelene Swain....How pretty...Well imagine my surprize to what we chatted about...(had some girl troubles) did we? Ahhhh I can understand...
By the way how is your unborn son? You know it's funny...that we should bring him up....Jo really seems so nice...to bad you left her on her toes.....Oh wait thats right...She has talked to your CO...as I have..just now...( why didnt you tell me you cant go on leave) tisk tisk. But as you know boys will be boys...I'm sure.. By the way. Casey and Jo and myeslf became very close..Heck! we even exchanged our email with one another..ALL from YOU...So sweet Jeremy...
You've been busy now havent you? Ahhh well, It's good that I have come out of this..but not..unhurt. Oh no no no..My Jerry..( and that is the last time I can call you mine) Wait...Ummm I was NEVER yours was I? The phone is SUCH a great tool...Oh I have the phone numbers...but I'm sure that you know your moms number....or you can just email her her on good ol yahoo. *wink*
Now heres the real deal...GOTCHA (now WHAT Do you have to say for youreself) *BIG hint...if you come clean..maybe you have not lost me as a friend. (Hey Bill Clinton lied..and people stil liked him..) Did you really think you could do me this way? Ha! I'm not annalisa OR Joanne...I'm smarter. Yes, I think you mite have been looking for a quick way to stroke your ego. At first I didnt know who to belive..but after 8 hours..YES! 8. (I skipped work today special just to learn more about you. Ummmmm..Well after 8 hours of a wonderful chat with so many women who knew sooooo much about you...Tell Brandy I said Hi. How is Wanda? Your Mom sends her love...and Wendy? Ohhhhh Wendy..You know I thought that she would ALWAYS hate me...It was nice hearing from her again. I'm going to send her a christmas card...It's nice..I should thank you for giving some new friends today...
The worst part about all of this? You made my childhood memeries with you ugly and now I Dont belive in magic anymore... .. I will always love you. I mean that...you are Jeremy Hammons and you are what you are..PS....I have cried more tears today then the oceans can take.. And now it's over. And now it's done...And I dont know if I'll ever hear from him again..but if I do...and if someday he reads this... My heart is heavy and my tears are done. My heart carries on. P.S I still have that little scar on my chest. From that night. It's the only thing I have left of him. and I still remember the look in his eyes as we merged our bodies together...and they way he cradled my head in his hands There was a time, that he loved me, with all of himself, and I am thankful for that. Angela 6:53 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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