almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A long long update..(bad me for not writing for so long) Here is an update... Andy and I are doing very well...He is so sweet to want to take care of me the way that he dose. It's been a while since I had a real man in my life. He is also really good with Miranda. He cares me very much. And I'm glad because.... l care him in such an adult way..I mean...He is so real and honest with me, he's not afraid of telling me what is on his mind or what he thinks about things. I've never known anyone like him. He's also got a very sweet and romantic side to him. And he grounds me to earth a little witch is what I need, in turn I think I bring out a playful side to him. And on some things we just agree to disagree. I love his mind. Andy is amazingly brillant...I feel like through him I can learn another side of myself. He is just pure knowlege. I crave knowlege, and that is the best gift he gives me. There is so much more about him that I don't know, I can't wait to learn more. There is also something new that I feel with Andy that I haven't ever felt before with anyone else. Patience. I feel calm and patient with him. I don't need to always be with him to get into deeper with him. I'm okay with giving him his space. I feel good about that. I don't need to hang my heart on his sleave to feel okay. I just automaticly feel connected. neat. Andy is also an amazing lover...God!.. mmmmmm...(giggle) he drives me CRAZY...He is just so intense. I love it. I feel like an animal sometimes. I love making love to him. And he is so erotic and I love the way he looks at me. With hunger in his eyes. and when his hands touch me I just go to pieces. Andy has great big hands and they are a little worn but gental. They are just like the way a man's hands should be. I love his voice. more like a deep southern growl..I could hear him talk all day and never get tired of his voice. I also met Rita and her son I'm still a little wireded out by Rita having Andy's baby...But Rita seemed very nice and sweet. I even think we could be great friends..I hope we can. I haven't told my family about Rita and the baby yet...I don't know why. I think I'm just at a piont in my life that I feel like my family dosn't need to know everything about my life. Pluse I still don't know what to think about it myself so...I'll tell them in time. I If we even really go somewhere, at this piont I don't know, I'm just having fun being with him
As for me and the pharmacy..I'm all done. And it's wierd but I don't know what to think now...I mean..I'm done. I'm done with it ALL. I MADE it. WOW. Then why do I feel so numb about it? I feel like my feet are stuck in the sand. I can't move..I can't even take another step forward. I think I'm afraid. Afraid of not finding a good job. Afraid of having for the first time in my life a real career. I mean for the rest of my life I'm going to be working in the pharmacy. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's also about the fact that it's a job that I have to be responible. I mean with people and there lives. I mean if I make a mistake I could KILL someone. I think that has just became more real in my head. I know what I need to do, I need to get up off my ass and just start moving forward. I know that once I start moving then I'll keep going..and going. It's like it always has been. I'm so driven. (I blame my dad for that) I am never good enough for me. Always wanting more and more and forever needing more from myself. That has also proven to be a good thing no matter how driven I can become, I sure the hell am persistant. I ALWAYS get what I want. one way or another. Yup, I need to get my shit together and go get that goddamn job...Afterall the onlt thing I have to fear is fear itself. Right? So now that I've given myself a pep talk I feel better. (oh goody) Tonight Miranda had her Halloween faire at her school. Crist! There were so many surgar high kids there! the running the screaming the candy...the cakewalk the apple bobbing...lol funny it brought me back to when I was a kid...I loved halloween. Still do. It's like on one noght you can be anything you want to be. So I was sittling there at the school on the bench in the gym and another mother from miranda's class was sitting there and she says to me ...Joking..."Who are so supposed to be? Wait dont tell me yourself right?" And I say..." No I'm half my age, thats my costume.." she didn't get it. See I had dressed in my trendest outfit...put my hair in pigtails. I really DID look 15. She asked...confused "Are you Miranda's sister?" I say " No I'm her mother..." and the gal looks at me and stammers...How old are you? and I say "29" She says "My God! You look soooo young" I say "like I said tonight I'm half my age" I asked how old she was.. She says "31" I felt sorry for her because she looked 45 and tired and bored and washed out. And her husband was staring at my ass. lol. I guess looking young still has it's perks. Miranda is doing alright. I have decided to keep her in the 2nd grade. They are testing her for special ed. becouse of her reading. She is behind but really working on it. I think with the right help she can pull through just fine. I am really really working with her on phonics. She seems to like doing the practice skills. The thing is a can'r seem to get her interested in reading. She just dosn't seem excited. I'm worried about her. I pray each night that she "gets" it. She is doing better, but it is just slowly. She'll get though. I won't give up on her. She just gets so fusterated when she makes a mistake. and that more then anything is holding her back. I switched her meds from adderall to concerta. This drug is supposed to be more ritalin based...I was not seeing the results enough with the adderall, although she was doing much better she was still daydreaming alot and still had a hard time following though with activities. Her teacher this year is great, very caring. unlike the teacher Miranda had last year, who was a complete idiot. She is also going to start talking to her therapist again to do some behaiver modifications..One of Mirand's biggest problems is her self image. She is easily fusterated and lacks self disapline. She get's bored very easy. To easy. She litterly yawns and rolls her eyes at some of the things that the class is doing. Most of witch those things that have to do with math, sience, or creativity. One thing is for sure she is a left brained person. She thrives on the what if's and how's in life. She is a wonderer and a happy go lucky kid. She see's the world as a place to be used and explored. She is a free sprit. Just like me. And I understand her so perfectly. And not just because she's my kid, but because she is a soul so much like my own. Her Art skills have come around in full. She is a WONDERFUL artist. She is so imagintive it's scary. She has such great insite and she is as sharp and smart as a whip. She serprizes me each day with her knowlege in the world around her. she is very detailed in her thinking and she is so sensitive to the world she cares about things that other kids don't care about. And she questions EVERYTHING. She is like a sponge to anything someone tells her. and she keeps hold of that information and useses it in the most imagianative places. Miranda is going to be someone great. She already is.
11:09 p.m. - Saturday, Oct. 30, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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