almondeye7's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mental damange control After a while of not calling a friend and things in ones life changes so fast...you don't know where to start because so much time has gone by and so much has happened. Thats how I feel about this diary sometimes. I just don't know where to start. I guess at each point I start it is like starting in the middle of the story and I have to keep moving farther back in time for it to come together in someway. Feelings change, situations change...And my thought process has been in full swing lately. My emotions are high, and I feel a little down. I know whats wrong...I guess I just never expected to feel this way. It's like after a big event when you build up and build up to something and then it comes and goes, and then your left with all the just "normal" days, and all of the burnt and depressed what do I do now? feelings.... So what do I do now? I don't like this feeling...Good God! was this how it was before I decided to go to school? It is clear to me now that I must always have something to work tord, something driving me...cause I dont wanna feel this way anymore... Yes,I am done with school, but then it hit me...like a frieght train that smeaks up on someone..like christmas sneaks up on the over the top shopper. ( only 10 shopping days left...) I must go back to work full time...back to sells back to the 9-5 grind...no time to look for that all wonderful pharmacy job. This is what has my tummy all tied in knotts. This is the dread I am feeling. Honestly I feel hopless and angry. angry that I worked this hard only to go back to the very thing that drove me to school. The high pressure world of sells. The only thing I can do, because it's the only thing I have ever done. and the only thing someone will hire me to do. So here I find myeslf travling back into the city...The hussle and bussle of noise, and the endless stream of "city people"...The cars and the dirty streets the go! go! GO! Endless hours on the buss...a little over 3 hours a day this time...With nothing to do but sit and think...and dread and doom over all of this...Nothing to do but sqish myself into the back corner while the old fat guys sloshes over half in my seat so I am pressed against the window...While the tranist smells of piss and beer and drools on himself. While kids scream and stupid people chat on cell phone and I get the left over conversations...( so, he said...she said..and bla bla BLA!) Nothing to do but read and think and grow numb and watch my dreams of pharmacy wash away like the the rain washes away the sun.... I know what will happen now...I work monday through friday...10 hour days... so when do I interview for pharmacy? what? take a day off...and miss a deadline...or get blasted by some overbearing, smart ass, dick swinging old fart called "Boss"? I worked this hard..I studied and lost sleep and time with my kid and time for myself and I wasted...and wasted and wasted...over a year doing what? Earning a wonderfull degree that I can't even use? And I did good...God I did good...I left that fucking school with over a 90% an "A" In sells I'm only as good as my last sell. nothing more...I am nothing right now. I have failed me. I have failed. Unless God gives me a hand...I'm hopless, I mean it was like I was building up to that one thing..that..great job..that one thing that I could be proud of myself for...now thats over...I'll get trapped again in this nine to five hell, this working nightmare. I didnt give up like Jake who dropped out 2 WEEKS before I graduated..( That chicken shit) I guess he got scared or stupid or something... And now....Now I can only pray... Pray to whom? Who's God? MY God? I've prayed to MY God...I thought my prayers were comming true..but they stalled like an old chevy with shit for power. So this is why I'm so listless why I feel this dread..I cry all time now...I hide my eyes on the bus when the tears start to spill out..I bring my book up closer to my nose..and choke them back. I tell Miranda..." Mom's gonna make you proud baby" and she askes about when I'm going to work in the pharmacy and help people with medicine...soon I say soon..Then I can be home with you at night...I tell everyone.."it's no big deal" and try to shrug it off. But at night when I come home...I find myself with this stange feeling of just not knowing quite what to do...I walk back and forth in my living room and wring my hands and tug my already thinning hair. then I cry and bawl like a baby on the floor..and all I want is a pharmacy job... I dont wanna give up not yet..I just wanna see if I can do it. Can I really do that job? Can I really be that person. Dear God just give me a chance....Just one chance. And please find a way for my God damned RENT get paid in time... And please don't let me go crazy. One more thing: As for Andy and myself...Thats over, I guess we just werent the same kind of people, I don't know how I feel about that right now...I don't know if I was falling for him or what, I guess I'll never know, Just one more thing to add to my self pity list. Angela 8:40 p.m. - Friday, Nov. 12, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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